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It's funny how people come into your life. I think we meet for a reason. I try to see and realize the value in people.

Everyone has a purpose in this life, if we meet then I become a part of that.

I met Evelyn almost 3 years ago. She was new to Petaluma and had called the public service organization I had just become a volunteer for.

She needed a variety of resourses and thought that I'd be of use to her. I was introduced to her as someone that would come visit her on a regular basis.

So we started out that way, I'd come see her every Thursday afternoon and we'd talk, get to know each other. She'd usually ask me to take her to the store or some kind of errand.

At 90+ years old Evelyn finds herself in a an unfamiliar�vulnerable position. In her younger years she'd always relied on herself, disliked having to depend on anyone. She'd married as a young woman but as she told me, she had "no use for a man telling her what to do". Today�she finds herself�alone, she's bought a home in a town she's not familiar with and at times her body sabotages her efforts to move through her day. She gets frustrated easily. Like a child she's not able to�control her anger. She'll raise her voice, once she even raised her hand to me. I've had to talk to her (when she's calmer of course) about that type of response to me and that I wouldn't tolerate anything less than respect towards me, while she agrees I think she's just an old gal that's done things a certain way and that's that. I don't believe she means me harm.

There's been times when I feel I'm a bother to her, and times when I think she appreciates me, lately, I'm in her favor. Our visits are pleasant and I find myself thinking fondly of her.

Yesterday she wanted to cancel our visit because she needed to take her quilt to a laundrymat at the time I usually come see her. I reminded her that I wouldn't be able to come for the next couple weeks so perhaps if she'd be up to it I could come later in the day. She sounded open and even a bit happy about that.

So I did see Evelyn, she had me trim her nails on her right hand, help her retrieve a message off her answering machine, put the tarp back on her car (which btw I can't imagine how she does this by herself!). Then just as we were saying goodbye on her porch she realized that she had locked herself out of the house! Don't panic, there's�a hide-a-key hidden on the porch, so as I reached under the railing for the box all I found was a magnet - no box, no key! Still she's cool, I on the otherhand wondered where this was going and when I'd be on my way, back to the chores of my day. But in a flash I managed to find the box, it had fallen between the garden rocks below and was covered by leaves.

It's always an adventure with her, I hope to know her for a good long time. I hope I'm of�more use than bother to her.�

-- Due to the power failure yesterday, I came into the office this morning.� Been doing cleanup in various environments.� PFF dev is fucko.

-- Exchanging laptop today at 1:30.� Appt.�with Bukket!

-- PAM/LDAP MUST be implemented next week in NON PROD per Skipper.

-- Call Chez when you're out of the office to go to happy hour.

1:45 - Looked at pffdev.� Remembered that I brought up the apps before the db on centaur was 100%.� (Corrupt disk, needed to find replicant state db's to rebuild from.)� Once I shut down the app on petrel & restarted it, everything was fine.

-- Talked with Matt T. regarding the date issue.� We're going to address it with SS on Monday.� He needs to take java coding lessons or something.

2:30 - Discussed PAM/LDAP with Hooper and the crew.� We're going to do dev Guinea Pig systems on Monday.� Tues & Wed are devoted to SAN work onsite.� Thursday is reserved for work on/setup of LDAP/PAM in all of QA provided the Dev test on Monday works well.

-- Exchanged Laptop.� Bukket gave me a backpack with wheels for this sucker, it's HUGE.�

-- Mr T. is going to get me Becky's address so I can send a card.

-- Talked with Stewie Griffin about various items of business around the env.� He's all hands and ready to go.� Wants me to change his nickname from Stewie Griffin to something more appropraiate like, Chops.� Because we're always busting them.

- Chez cut out around 12:30.� I was hoping she'd hang around till 4ish, but I guess she's ready to get her vacation started.� I don't blame her one bit.� Planning on calling her around 3ish & hooking up around 4 maybe for a drink.

09:30 - Been up and at it a while.� downgraded libaio on delphi for Pooh.� Had to go pull it off of telstar manually because it wouldn't up2date even though I specified the exact package.� Weird.

-- Talked with Grandpa Simpson regarding the DMX2->DMX3 move next week.� Grandpa is out for the week so Slick and I have to be onsite to experiment with a 2.5 and a 3.01 ESX conversion.� They also want us to test a physical boot from san Linux box so Gpa volunteered one of the NSint machines.

-- Matt T. wanted to discuss the date format issue on PFF dev.� Explained my reservations about that to him again, but he wants an email for the record.� Get that out today.

9:50 - Pooh says no luck.

9:55 - Accepted invites to Margie's work next Tues & Wed.� I'll have to duck out at 11 on Tuesday for lunch with our CIO.

�1:07 - Fixed the zodiac server accts for Brett.�

2:20 - P3 datacenter lost power.� We are proceeding with Emergency shutdown.

Ok...I hope my internet connection doesn't get lost again this time.

�Another day. I went to my new diabetic doctor today and she told me I look better.� I cant go�back to work yet. I need to get the blood sugars under better control. she raised my night insulin to 20 units but when I took the shot tonight I forgot to take the new amount and only took 18 units of long insulin tonight.

the doctor said that she went over my latest admissions and that I was NOT admitted for DKA like the doctors kept telling me I was admitted for.� The doctor wonders if my pancreas produces insulin and if I am even type 1 diabetic. Wow that would be wild that if I am a type 2 diabetic and I have been treated for 24 years as a type1.� I take blood test tomorrow to see how things are and find out what type of diabetic I am.

I went to GNC today with dad.� i got some low carb protein bars and got a bad stomach pains about an hour after I ate them. people in the group on line said that it could be cause the bars to "denise" and my pouch/stomach is still to new to be eating something like that!?� I have been so sick to my stomach and I wonder if it's from the protein bar.

my sugar was high and i took more insulin. it's a little below 200 right now.� I am VERY tired and think I am going to try to go to sleep.� i took some phegan for the stomach and it hasn't helped that much!

Ok..enough of my stomach pains...I am going to take my sleep meds!!� I go for blood work at 9:30 am� (fasting)� tomarrow at quest diagostic.� Lets see if thy can get a vein...Lets pray for for my veins. Ok...I will write you later---as if anyone actually reads this...So night!

Fifth Title



CharlaXTitles

Precreate
�Preconceived ideas in procreate fashion mashing lines together in an endless streaming liaison of passions flower nodding at the sky in stimulated madness as we cry a choy the Chinese rats are fried against the front line parapets lets precreate some more lizard breath and score some gingers ale as gladness permeates the smell of powder and molass the gentile meat most often used is chicken please do not hang them with the head intact but blood them so the meat is not corrupted then use tons of salt so eye can sweat let more rain down the parapet to fall in the endless pond that makes the Dozier and the cranks they use the little used unplace. As eye precreate the images of man the ones they love are the ones eye cannot stand they need some help to procreate the love will be enough to make the basket full of picnic planned so far of in advance please DONUT forget the coffee and the food we need to make the sustenance the rule. For endless love and kisses must be fueled and lust just ever wants is fooled by lack of sustenance. Spinach from a can is good for supper salt is some for a better flavor if no salt is now available then pretend that it tastes better. Take a larger spoon like a Army Utensil and fill it with the Solyant Green slide it into maw and watch as she begins to masticate the taste and just pretends the salty there. Eye have eaten to survive the beans in the growing secrets making some sort of sacrifice in me to make me think like manna and not meat. Precreate the can opener once a taken nail beaten down to make the holes with a rock the size of hand just held then hit the nail again the holes then widened end to end until the lid was severed from the head of can and corn was found the egYpt brand so full of goodness in the timestream then the endless walking always angry at the people seldom helping or understanding. Precreation formation of idea idea to page idea to copy idea to page idea to copy idea to page idea to copy well ewe eye see ewe got the idea. Now it's the old joke about grabbing fourth gear and the fifth under the seat the dissipation of the proclamation of religion some of the high must go the self induced drug use the drinking the smoking all needs to dissipate then precreate the charity feed the poor lady near the bus stopped there. The poor ewe will always have but remember this one loves. Leave a bottle of water down the road near enought that they can go to it far enough away to still be safe. Or Anticipate and precreate then leave the thing where last seen people were then walk a little straighter when the time comes to love. Eye do not have my charity each and every day but when the deed is done its one way left for someone less fortunate to see. Then perhaps a reward coming from my KING. When it was in my heart to help someone one day and eye had the monetary funds the bum the bum the bum he had a beer in a paper sack from the store and eye would not bring myself to have my charity.��Stumbling now in darkenness and not in haste the heart is much less avid near disgrace. We need to come alive if living grace applies and precreate.

Today's the day.

I've got to keep moving, there remains so much to do. Time keeps ahead of me, calling to me that I haven't done this or that.

Now and then I get that funny feeling in my stomach that makes me scared. I always get that feeling before a major event in my life. I worry so much about the 'what ifs' in life. I know this about me so that helps deal.

�Journaling over the years has helped me tremdously, I've seen my fears chase me down time and time again, usually I find that I'm running from nothing, and if there were any reality to the fears I can see that I'm able to rise above and survive them.

I've gotten through alot and I'll get through this too.

I'm making it sound horrible but it isn't! I just react to things in this way. I hear myself thinking, "I wish this were over", how stupid, wishing my life away like that. I want to enjoy the milestones of my life, I want to be in the moment, embrace the changes as they come.

I'm still that scared little girl, she never knew what to expect. She needed someone to tell her "Everything's going to be alright" but�she never had that. I try to give myself that now. I'm here to help her, I feel the scaries and I see her start to hide, start to freak out even. I then have to put on my grown-up hat and gently coax her along to the next thing till she see's there is nothing to be afraid of.

I don't take all the credit though, I lean on Bear. He is my rock, I can always count on him. He's got the "Yes I can!" attitude and he's usually right. We talked about the "To Do" list last night and broke it down to the daily chores. It still appears that there will be a mountain to climb on Saturday but we'll get there.

This day�will be as nice as it can be. I�hope my daughter�will remember it fondly. I�hope our guests come away feeling the love in our family for our daughter and the woman she will be sharing her life with.

Everything's going to be alright.

�

I want to build a wailing wall. I was praying today and I saw it. I want to build it out of rough bricks with lots of cracks and light it up/

The wailing wall is the last part of the temple wall left remaining in Jerusalem after the Romans tore it down. It's a place of prayer. A place where people cry out to God. It's stuffed full of prayers and messages in the cracks. So it's a place of intercession.�

well every day seems to be a little better.� I was doing well until dinner time. I went to my friend's doctor with her and I ate my chicken on the way home. I was throwing up for a few hours after and with bad pain...like things were spazing!� OUCH!

I am watching TAPS on tv...Ghost hunters... and its almost 11pm...wow.� Think the ex step mom is seeing someone else....she got here at 10pm. she needs to move out and live on her own and stop living off my dad. IF she wants to be divorced then stop trying to live off my dad! She just pisses me off to no end. And if it wasn't for the fact I respect my father I would get so in her stupid face and tell her! No.. I am not mad...not me!

I see the diabetic doctor tomorrow. I know I am not ready to go back to work. maybe one more week.��I hope!� My sugar isn't stable enough. and I was so sick after eating the chicken tonight.� The air froze at dad's house and I am still staying here till I get better. but at least it wasn't a lot to get fixed!! Thank God!!

I am sooooo tired but I just want to watch this show. It's like I am watching law n order... I am now getting sick to my stomach.� i have been feeling that a lot lately.��I am going to ask the doctor about getting that med from Canada---you need a per scription to get it...go figure.

ok...I am going to go to sleep soon. For some reason when I try to hit the shift button to make the caps..it's not working. I need to get off this one med cause it's effecting my memory again.� I swear that's the reson! Honest Ok..Well it's time to take my meds so I can go to sleep soon!! I hope and pray!!

Today makes 8 days OUT of the hospital! THANK YOU GOD!!

Up on time today, which is to say before 8am.� Lately I've been setting the clock for 7:30 and hitting snooze once or twice before it ticks off 8.� I'm usually up, do my morning bathroom/medicine/feed the cats/make some coffee routine and hit the chair by 8:30.

-- Yesterday I cleaned up the office quite a bit while I was mulling over the PAM/LDAP stuff I have to do.� Finished up the bulk of the cleaning/reorganizing last night/early this morning and _finally_ hooked up the printer/fax/scanner.� Aside from all the books thrown all over this room, it's actually fairly well organized.� Every shelf is cluttered as hell, but at least I know what's what.

- Chez is on vacation starting the 1st.� Her last day at the office is this Friday, I asked her to go out for a beer or two after work as a sendoff.

-- Email from Mr. T. regarding Becky's operation.� She's out of surgery and doing better.� Remind me to send her a card.

09:00 - Carcass wants something done with wick/uw.� Once again, reminded her to send those requests to the OPS guys.

09:30 - Witty Jim wants access to genseed 207.� He's already got an acct with pw set.

- Note to self.� Juno is acting a little fucko on login.� After banner/motd it's hanging for 15-20 seconds before dropping to a prompt.� Find out why.

9:45 - Pooh Bear needs me to verify that libaio is installed on delphi.� It is.�

9:50 - Witty Jim needs his password reset on genseed 207.� done.

10:15 - Reading documentation from Sun regarding LDAP on Sol 9 4/04

10:50 - Jerry faxed a stack of docs for BTI meeting coming up.

11:00 - BTI Meeting with Jerry, Ratface & Witty Jim among others.

11:45 - Sent Cartman & Grandpa Simpson an email asking for port 27366 open to centaur.

�2:15 - / filled up on LM guiness 147.� Cleared out a few files in /tmp and /root.� The disk space is still reporting 100% after rm'ing files.� Bounced server & it's down to 59%.

2:25 - Matt T. needs apache user pw on PFF dev.

2:35 - Pooh Bear says that the updated libaio package on delphi is probably the source of our incompatibilities and wants me to downgrade.� I'm going to go look for a downgrade package.